Thomas' Blog

yay i fell behind on everything

As you may be able to tell by the date for this week I'm not wrtiing this the week of so instead of recapping that week I'll just instead go with my backup plan. So I'm going to write down what a day with severe depression during a depressive episode is like for me.

Waking up

I wake up tired as hell and I feel like it's impossible to get out of bed. Once I get the motivation to get out of bed I end up having to rush to get my stuff together. If I make the bus then I'll get on the bus and play the game don't fall asleep. The reason I'm so tired is because of the depressive episode. No matter how much sleep I get I will always be tired.

Periods 1-3

These are the easiest periods of the day as it's English, AP CSA 1, and Exploration in Compsci. It's nice to start the day slow as it let's me wake up and prepare for the rest of the day.

Periods 4-9

By the time I get to period 4 I can barely stay awake. I will probably end up dossing off at some point during class. 5th period is chem which it always gives me energy when I'm with my friends. When it comes to my depressive episode they usually last a week or two. They best way for me to cope with them and get through them is to spend time with my friends. Though during the episode all i want to do is isolate myself which is so bad for me. After period 5 if it's a b-day I go to gym instead of double chem. Either way I happy because I get to spend time with my friends. Once 6th rolls around I get to eat and just sit alone in the cafiteria for two periods because double lunch. Last but not least I have math 9th and by then I'm decently awake enough to not worry about falling asleep.

Panick Attacks

This is all added to random panic attacks while I'm walking through the halls. If they're really bad I'll end up just not going to class. It's only ever happened before chem or lunch thank god. These panic attacks usually just lead my to hyperventilate and just need to sit down. Though recently I did have a melt down in math. So that was cool.

After School

Usually during depressive episode I tend to skip clubs and go straight home to nap. This nap usually lasts until around 5 or 6 where I'll then have dinner. After dinner I'll consider doing my homework but even the thought of raising the pen to write makes me mentally breakdown. I usually end up skipping my homework and going to bed or using my computer till 10.

Homework and Grades

I usually tend to get most of my deppresive episodes during 2nd quarter. I suspect this to be seasonal deppresion but I haven't done enough research to know. Though because of these episodes my grades in 2nd quarter are always the worst of the year as I normally hand in none of my homework and fail most of my tests. This year I am experincing the episodes like normal but keeping on top of my homework fairly well compared to normally.

I'm in san salvador!

I'm writing this as of 11-20 12:22 am. It's late so I'll be quick. Uhm we took the plane which had a bit of a rough landing, but otherwise was fine. Then we took this wonky looking bus to the hotel I'm currently writing this in.

Ok starting here I'm going to make a log of my trip

El Salvador Trip

Day 1

Evening

Ok we started off leaving school early which was good because I got to miss my math test. Then we went to the airport around 2 ish.

We got on the plane around 5 ish and took off around 5:50. I was able to catch up on some reading on the plane. I read both the Transgender History and A raisin in the sun. They are both really good books and it was nice to be able to have some reading time. The seat didn't recline though so that was a huge pain in my neck. ha ha… Anyways once we got to the airport we had to go through customs and imigartion. Imigration took a hot minute but customs literally just looked at us and then said we can go without even checking our bags so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Once we got outside I quickly realized this is going to be a very hot trip. It was about 28 degrees C when we landed and it was about 10:30 pm soooo…(NOT TO MENTION THE 90% HUMIDITY) We then went to the airport parking lot to go to our bus. Let me just say the bus was rather interesting…

I don't know why but to me the bus honestly looks so funny. I think it's just the way the bus looks so flat on the front.

The hotel was rather nice. Check in was fairly easy. We went to sleep around 11:30 ish. The room was actually really nice and pretty big.

Day 2

Morning

Breakfast though was amazing. I'm so conflicted on wheather to think this hotel is fancy or not. The food was really good and the second I finished one of the staff took my plat away which scared me. This was a normal self serve hotel so it was kinda weird to me for staff to take my plate. Anyways the food was amazing but the yogurt was so cool. I think it was hand made but idk.

The green yogurt was a coconut one and it was very delicious. The others we ok but I really did love the coconut one. I'm writing Day's 1-2 at the moment in the morning of day 2 so I don't have much more to write. Right now we're just sitting outside the hotel by the pool and trying to figure out what our plan is today. We will be leaving to the beach soon. I'm very much not excited for that as it's already 32(91 F) degrees C.

Noon

Ok I got on the bus and I'm kinda bored so I'm writing this now. Right before I got in the van I got attacked by tons of red ants. Let me tell you it is nit fun to look down and find 20 or so red ants bitting your foot.

Something that is interesting is how many walls there are here. Pretty much any building of buiness has armed guards and walls with barbed wire. Anyways something I plan on doing when the new minecraft version comes out is building this image.

I love how the buildings look and with the mountain in the background. Ahhh I'm in love.

Evening

Ok so first off it's very hard to concentrate when you're in a full van of hispanics clubbin gin the van but yk we vibe. Anyways after this I'll check up on trevorspace. For now I'm on a four hour bus/van ride to San Miguel. So the appetizer was rather interesting once we got to the food place.

The food was still good though. Whatever crusation I ate just tasted like shrimp. Anyways the view were stunning.

oh… we are in the van at like a gas station right now and one of my family members mentioned how the place that we just ate at the workers get paid $5 per DAY?!??!?!? Anyways little money aside here's a video of what the hell is happening in the bus/van at the moment.
Sad the video has no audio. Well imagine hispanic club music at full blast and max bass with the whole fam screaming. we vibe ヽ(⌐■_■)ノ♪♬ Cringe aside I'm going to turn off my laptop and sing with the fam. If you've read up to this well I guess that's kinda cool. Thank you < 3

Omg I had an idea while I was singing and what if google drive. Well it works so heres what were up to.

Later Evening

Ok for one I felt like I was going to die on the ride no joke. The driver kept a constant speed of 80 mph and if there was anyone infront of us he would go into the oncoming traffic lane. let me just say we had some close calls. At the moment I'm in a hotel writing this. Our plane for tommorow is to eat around 9 ish but I don't know. It's already 11:38 pm so I'll have to be quick with this. So once we got to San Miguel we went to my tia's house and let me just say wow… It's fancy as hell(for a third wrold country).


The pool is really nice. Anyways I'm going to go to bed in this sketch hotel room. gn

Day 3

Morning

The food was pretty good. I just realized that I forgor to take a photo of it smh my head. Anyways so atm I'm back in the hotel room waiting to go to Darwins Ranch. Aparently Darwin is a sugarcane farmer, which is really cool.

Noon to Evening

I didn't get any sugar cane which is fine but i did get some cool drone shots! Here's a sneak peak as I'll only be able to send get them off the sd card when I get home.

Oh and I think that's the furthest I've ever gone. 2100 meters! Anyways I learned that Darwin's ranch is sustanible and that he grows corn as well. Here's some spam of what the ranch looked like.

Late Evening

Anyways I a going to spend time with my cousins and probably head back to the hotel soon.

Day 4

Morning

Ok I didn't have the energy to write about yesterday last night so I'm going to write about it now. I had breakfast. Forgor to take a picture of it again. We are going to the memorial today for mommy candie. She died during covid. Anyways yesterday the ride back from the farm was loud otherwise I had a really nice time.

Noon

We took the bus/van to the memorial for mami candie memorial. It was very nice and for privacy reasons and respectful reasons I will not be sharing details or photos.

Late Evening

I'm currently at my tia's house and talking with my fam. gtg
Ok so might have ended up partying in the pool and never going back to the hotel but yk. Anyways I also got some candy and snacks on the way home from the memorial.

Day 5

Morning

I started the day waking up on the couch I knocked out on. I ate this weird jellyton thing and didn't like it tbh.

Evening

Around 3 pm we left for the beach. On the way there the car we were behind didn't have enough coolant in the engine and started smoking a lot. I flew my deone around for a little bit then went to my room.


Right now I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I am dissociation or whatever. Either way I am having some sort of breakdown. I called Joanna and felt better. I almost got kidnapped too! I was on the beach alone and a biker kept driving towards me with their headlight only turning on every now and then to see. After that I essentially was really tired and went to sleep.

Day 6

Morning

I woke up relatively late compared to everyone else(9 am). I got breakfast which was scrambled eggs with sweet pepers and onions. Afterwards I flew my drone again and just really kinda relaxed which was nice.

Noon

We left for tio's alex's around 1:30. We got there on time and they had not only a beautiful view but an amazing band.

The volcano was absolutely beautiful and gigantic. I flew my drone towards it and after 3 km it didn't even look closser.

Evening

I fell asleep in a hammock at tio alex's and woke up to eat some steak. It was already late and I had a throbbing headache so I made reminded everyone that we had to go and within 30 minutes we were blasting music on the party bus¹. We got back to my tia's with ice cream and monster around 8:50 ish. My mom and Uncle Muary picked me up and brought me back to the hotel in which I'm writing this atm. I'm really tired so I going to head to sleep. goodnight to the people who read this(probably no one).

Day 7

Morning

Woke up around 7:30 to go and meet with my cousins. We went to my papi's(grandpa on my mom's side) gravesite. His name hasn't been engraved in the tombstone yet so we payed for that.

Noon

After that we went out to eat. I got nachos and they were pretty yummy.

Oh and also today is thanksgiving.

Evening

We went to visit my mom's house where she was born and grew up til the age of 4. After that we went back to my tia's and got on the party bus¹ because some of the family had to get a covid test to back to the us. We will prob get our test tmrw. We went back to tia's after everyone else got the test. I've gotten sick by drinking something so stomach pains are a normal for me now. I really didn't end up eating.

Day 8

Morning

Spent the whole morning in the hotel room watching YouTube while waiting for my uncle.

Noon

Once he got back we went to visit my family on my mom's dad's side. After saying good bye to them we left to go towards my tia's so that we can go to San Salvador.

Evening

When we got to San Salvador it was already pretty late so we quickly had dinner and went to an air bnb to sleep. I got my gender assumed and quickly went to bed.

Day 9

Morning

My mom changed the flight to be for today instead of tommorow. We had to skip breakfast to get a covid pcr test. The results came back in an hour and we started heading towards the airprt.

Noon

Once we got to the airport we had to go through a total of 3 seperate bag checks, plus check-in, plus customs to leave El Salvador. Once we got through all that we got on the plane and headed home.

Trip Summary

Going to El Salvador is a trip I will never forget. It was so beautiful and amazing. Sadly it had to be for a funeral for me to meet so much of my family but either way it was nice to meet them and see where my mom grew up. I hope once I get the drone fotage uploaded and edited I will have an amzing video to remeber this trip. Not to mention this blog which will imortalize it forever. I'm very glad I'm back though as I really miss Joanna and all of my friends.

New Discord Bot

Ok so I created a new Discord bot called quotes.db. The bot's purpose is to allow random mebers of any server quote anything someone else says using slash commands. The bot as of right now is pretty fleshed out when it comes to code and as well is a very simple bot. I think I'm going to try using ts for this bot the next time I update it. The links for the bot are as follows. Bot Invite and Discord Invite. The discord invite is so you ccan follow the channel all the quotes go into.

El Salvador

I'm going on a trip for the next 10 days starting the friday of this week

My Gender

Ahhhhh I'm questiong my gender again. So I'm definitally nb¹ and trans*, but what I'am specifically I'm not too sure. I did some looking around at gender labels and I think I found one that might fit me. I like the label Maverique². I like how it's a mixture and self defined. If I can I would like to try opening up about this to my friends and see if they support me. If so i might start using it when i sign up online and maybe eventually change my legal id. Right now I'm just focussed on learning who I am. If I can I would love to bring more social awareness to the diffrence between gender identity, gender expression, and sex. I love the fact that Maverique doesn't set any expectations on gender expression, as it only defines gender identity. I think the distiction between gender identity and expession is widely understood. The only problem is for people who aren't well educated in the trans community. They tend to not know the diffrence between sex and gender. While gender is self-defined, sex is rather something that more definded by body parts and x y chromosomes. One of the biggest problems when it comes to the undersatnding of pronouns and gender is the clear diffrence between them. Just becuase I identify as nb doesn't mean that I need to have Non-Gender specific pronouns. I personally use the pronouns they/him but I currently identify as nb.

Trevor Project Fundraiser

I dont have motivation to do the blog as of rn so if i do i'll write abt the plan for the fundariser
11/11/21

still don't have the motivation :(
11/12/21