Thomas' Blog

Blog

New blog url and a custom 404 page!

Mental Health

I had an amazing weekend with friends so as of when I'm writng this I'm not as bad as last week. I hope this week I'll find the motivation that I didn't last week. It went downhill fast so I didn't get the chance to write anything else :/

Minecraft server proxy

I recently started a Minecraft network! Wooooo! So far the current servers I have hosted goes as follows: hub, smp, skywars, UHC, and Manhunt. These servers take up a total of about 8GB of ram which is really good. The proxy is waterfall which allows me to have more servers on the one pc.

Mental Health

My depression is getting worse… My average mental state has been really low for the last 2-3 months and it only seems to be getting worse and worse. It's gotten bad enough where we are on cavetown only. Somehow though during all of this I'm still finding motivation for some of my homework. My grades are really suffering though. All of my core classes are averaging at around mid 50s. Idk what's wrong with me. It just feels like everything is falling apart. My mental state on non-existent. My therapist asked me “What's knocking down your ladder?”¹ and I'm supposed to come back with answer but I don't know what it is. I guess it just be like that sometimes. I don't know if it's seasonal depression or burn out because this happens every year 2nd quarter. But never this bad.

Blog

I don't know what I'm doing with this blog site. Originally it was going to be more of a dev log but it has just turned into a way for me to record down the major events of my week. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

Gender

AHHHHHH. Dysphoria is a b****! I don't really ever deal with mind gender dysphoria. I most often deal with social and body gender dysphoria. This means that I'm not always comfortable with the body I given and I'm not always comfortable with how masc² I present. As for my body, I usually don't like the amount of body hair I have. But my social gender dysphoria is one of the biggest components that makes me dress the way I do and act the way I do. I personally hate presenting masc. I prefer to present fem if I can. The way I go about this is painting my nails or growing out my hair. Also the way I act is considered to be more fem but thats just bc I don't act like a toxic masc. I much prefer to dress non-binary though. All of this being said I don't understand why it is so socially unexceptable for a man to dress/act fem. It's not like they are bothering you or effecting you so why does it matter that they are expressin theirselves the way they want. It just bothers me so much when people feel that just because someone is expressing the way they feel on the inside they deserve to be socially shuned. I really hope that me and so many other youth pushing these gender boundaries actually brings change.

School

Something that really hurts is when all my quarter comments from my teachers are “working bellow potential”. This hurts so much due to the fact that the only thing limiting me is my depression. My depression my my lack of motivation to get my homework done makes it so I'm clueless on tests sometimes. I know that my teachers don't mean bad by writing this on my interm reports but it just hurts because it reminds me of how I feel like I'm a failure.

Happy new fear!

With covid rates soaring high I'm in school as of 1/3/2022. You wanna know a fun fact? Our current covid 7-day average is almost 2 times higher then the highest peak before this omnicron outbreak. This is all added with the CDC's new guidelines that is confusing the public. The new 5 day rule is supposed to be made for front line health care workers. But the public eager to spread the disease is ignoring that and taking the 5-days fro themselves. Also I forgot to comment on the horrible joke that is this sections title. To be honest it goes best not commented on. Personally I really despise setting goals for mysself for the new year as I find I tend not to do them if I set them as my goal.

My mental state is non-exsistant

tw¹: anxiety, panic attacks, depersonalization, and depression

School

I'm still behind on pretty much all of my school work and class work. It's hard to even keep up on my work anymore. To be honest it's not that it's hard to keep up on the work. It's just hard to get the motivation to get started let alone complete the work. I'm planning on trying to complete all my work assigned to me starting today to febuary break. That's my goal as of right now. If I can complete this I'll move towards focusing on raising my grade.

CSA

I hate CSA and my CSA teacher. Like why do I need to write my code by hand for the AP. Like what?!?! Why can't they give us at least a sandboxed computer. Like it's not that hard. Added with no partial credit for anything that's not in the “scope” of the AP. Like using .endswith on a String is not in the “scope”. It seems that this AP course would rather teach developers to go through the whole understanding of everything rather than using methods. This is great for them but since I already have expereince in software development I find this extremely boring. Also I finially figured out why I hate my teacher so so so much. It's because he'll see a student doing something a little wrong and crack a joke about it tw caps AND THEN CONTINUE TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO LAUGH AT HIS OWN JOKE TOWARDS THE STUDENT. LIKE WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOPATH LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKES THAT DEGRADES STUDENTS. Anyways asides from being rude towards his students he's an ok teacher.

I got a threat! :D

Today(1/6) I got an email from stranger and it was a burning pride flag. Honestly pretty fun. Tbh I don't really care but worth mentioning that I got hate crimed.

dont read but if you do well tw for excesive cursing, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and depersonalization disorder.