15. Week of 1-9
Minecraft server proxy
I recently started a Minecraft network! Wooooo! So far the current servers I have hosted goes as follows: hub, smp, skywars, UHC, and Manhunt. These servers take up a total of about 8GB of ram which is really good. The proxy is waterfall which allows me to have more servers on the one pc.
Mental Health
My depression is getting worse… My average mental state has been really low for the last 2-3 months and it only seems to be getting worse and worse. It's gotten bad enough where we are on cavetown only. Somehow though during all of this I'm still finding motivation for some of my homework. My grades are really suffering though. All of my core classes are averaging at around mid 50s. Idk what's wrong with me. It just feels like everything is falling apart. My mental state on non-existent. My therapist asked me “What's knocking down your ladder?”1 and I'm supposed to come back with answer but I don't know what it is. I guess it just be like that sometimes. I don't know if it's seasonal depression or burn out because this happens every year 2nd quarter. But never this bad.
Blog
I don't know what I'm doing with this blog site. Originally it was going to be more of a dev log but it has just turned into a way for me to record down the major events of my week. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Gender
AHHHHHH. Dysphoria is a b****! I don't really ever deal with mind gender dysphoria. I most often deal with social and body gender dysphoria. This means that I'm not always comfortable with the body I given and I'm not always comfortable with how masc2 I present. As for my body, I usually don't like the amount of body hair I have. But my social gender dysphoria is one of the biggest components that makes me dress the way I do and act the way I do. I personally hate presenting masc. I prefer to present fem if I can. The way I go about this is painting my nails or growing out my hair. Also the way I act is considered to be more fem but thats just bc I don't act like a toxic masc. I much prefer to dress non-binary though. All of this being said I don't understand why it is so socially unexceptable for a man to dress/act fem. It's not like they are bothering you or effecting you so why does it matter that they are expressin theirselves the way they want. It just bothers me so much when people feel that just because someone is expressing the way they feel on the inside they deserve to be socially shuned. I really hope that me and so many other youth pushing these gender boundaries actually brings change.
School
Something that really hurts is when all my quarter comments from my teachers are “working bellow potential”. This hurts so much due to the fact that the only thing limiting me is my depression. My depression my my lack of motivation to get my homework done makes it so I'm clueless on tests sometimes. I know that my teachers don't mean bad by writing this on my interm reports but it just hurts because it reminds me of how I feel like I'm a failure.