head loud

dont read but if you do well tw for excesive cursing, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and depersonalization disorder.

this isnt supossed to make sense. its not suppossed to be readable. its not suppossed to make gramatical sense. fuck sake i cant even spell suppossed. things that may be easy for tothers feel impossible for me. like spelling or understanding what im reading or even fucking writing. getting words down to paper to show what im thinking is thet hardest thing for me. thats why i challenged myself to do this blog weekly. for some reason all my thoughts are being warped. the best way to describe it is im a visual thinker and my thoughts right now are being warped like a calidascope. tbh i originally made this site to be professional to show to colledge and at this moment im realizing its just a good way for me to practivce figuring out my thoughts. speaking of right now the only way i can figure out how to cope with whatever is going on in my head is by smashing something with an sledgehamer. i have this toy train i used o play with as a kid. actually one time while trying to plug in the toy trains track i acidetally put my fingures on the two metal bits as i pugged it in. yah i guess you could say that was a shocking lesson. hhhh anyways i wanna take the train and smash it once everytime i feel the need to. it can be the representation of the trainwreck of my life. you know whats funny. i just realized anthing i write here will be imortalized forever. the way back macheine plus so many other platfrms added with anything i write will get commited on gthub. hhhhhhh idk i just cant think straight. its 336 am and i started writing this at 307 so idk. cool fact ig. i fucking hate discord tbh. oh and also i really want to smash the train rn my thoughts are going wonky again. i regret staying up. im finally getting tired but also still really anxious. its 348 lmaoooo. AHHHH ITS 411. its 6 am. ognna try and sleep now nini